I just realized that my whole life can be summed up with 80's movie quotes. Egad

I'm up here at Otherlands on my last leg of researching galleries. I have an overwhelming feeling of dread regarding this whole process. I'm worried that all this is for nothing. I've not been so good at staying focused on this project to sell the pieces and I think it's because it feels so daunting. I wish I knew the exact galleries to try. I wish I knew how to put together a press package. I knew this would be the hardest part of it all, and I've tried so hard to stay positive, but again there's this dread which leads to utter procrastination. This week my goal is to figure out the press package.

This is such a lonely process. I feel hopeless and helpless when it comes to my future as an artist. I just want to make shit, really beautiful shit that makes people think and feel things. Trying to find out where I'll fit in with the art world is a whole new terrifying experience. My idea of succeeding is so simple to me: find a few buyers that can afford the pieces and be able to live with reasonable comfort via the $$ from them and supplement my income with massage. I just want to have enough to explore the limits of my creativity. I don't want to be famous or rich. I just want to be able to reach people with my work.

It doesn't really feel like my hopes and dreams matter, though. Not now, at least. All that matters is getting a gallery owner to take the time to check out the press package that I need to cobble together, and I don't even know if I've made the right decisions in galleries.

I loathe this experience.

Ugg's all I gotta say. Third day without smoking since I started late last month. Getting back on track with everything. I've got this damaged foot in a boot, so I can't do any cardio. Trying hard to be patient on so many fronts. Trying to not let depression and rage get on top of me.

Work's been steady. The house is a house with few problems. My friends have been wonderful, helpful and loving.

I need to get to work and stop goofing off.

Today I will put my sweet darling to sleep. She's put up a good fight.

I can't find the words. It's like slipping down the deepest hole.

Been doing a lot of exercise, but it's not enough. I'm adapting the P90X schedule to what really seems to be working for me, and I will be adding the elliptical every day as well. It's 2 to 2 1/2 hours of exercise a day, but I think it's what will hopefully work. I also made three batches of chocolate chip cookies for the boys at The Cove because they were so good to me last month, and that got rid of all my bleached flour and refined sugar. So now I've got a beautifully healthy pantry and fridge.

God, I hate that I woke up late. Now I've got to wait til the end of the work day to work out. Sucks.

Monday I plan on visiting my grandfather's grave in Rose Bud, AR. Altogether it'll be a 6 hour drive, but I bought flowers for his grave and my grandmother's, and my great grandmother's. I plan on making a picnic lunch and hanging out with him for a little while; I think it'll be okay. I'm a little nervous about the potential of running into my aunt or father, or other relatives for that matter, but it's the chance I'll have to take. If I do, I'll become a belligerent mess, but it'll be what's meant to happen, I guess.

Phooka's going downhill pretty damn fast. She's weak and her food intake is waning, and last night she got sick a few times but nothing really came out. She's still very demanding of my time and hands, she still fights to jump up on the bed, but I can tell that for the most part she's miserable. I don't know when's the right time, I mean, do I wait until she's so miserable that she can't eat at all and can't move? It doesn't feel quite right yet, but what if I'm being selfish? I really, really hate this. I don't want to let her go, but I can NOT put her through needless pain.

The dvd of the art has been well received so far. Adam and I will start work on the website Tuesday and will hopefully have it up and running in a week. I'll post a link to it when it's completed.

I just want to sell these pieces and start the next phase of my life.

I've been on a fairly self destructive path the past month. Every time I think I've got it whooped I fall back into my old pattern. I've got to deal with my abandonment issues. I've got to accept some things. I've got to get back to where I was and to the person I'm meant to be. I've got to deal with this loneliness and fear in better ways.

Starting Tuesday I'm taking a leave of absence from the bar scene. I know that means no going out on St. Patty's day (and I had plans to hang out with the girls--god this sucks). I love my bartenders, I love my drinking buddies, and I'm going to miss the hell out of them both. Unless I see them elsewhere I won't see them at all which is very sad. I'm making cookies for the guys at the Cove next week so I can leave on a good note.

I just can't deal with another morning of waking up with remorse. I've been way out of line and I've got to get hold of the reigns on this runaway horse.

GOD, being an adult totally fucking sucks.

I have the upper hand. I can do anything as long as I have the upper hand.

I'm gonna rip 2011 apart and then 2011's gonna make me breakfast the next morning.

Oh yes. Life is on it's way to being very sweet.

I got the first draft of my art dvd from Adam and it's mesmerizingly good AND I got my refund!!! I'M LOSING MY MIND OVER HERE!! AAAHahkdjlsx

I really wish I had one of those giant bouncy balls with a handle and I could bounce around the whole house with it.

Bouncy Bouncy

Update: Mike D just bought me a Hulk bouncy ball. I am truly blessed with fabulous friends.

Update 2: Hulk bouncy ball WAY too small. Will be getting one from Amazon. Yes, I'm really just a big baby.

Turn off your sound if you're at work! SO cute!